change...

Today has been a good day,it has really been a good couple of weeks. Despite all the crazy stuff going on(family,job,money,)in spite of everything there is a sense of peace. I do have to admit that I feel a little crazy, I mean me...PEACE! Those of you that know me, understand what I mean!
I picked Jade and Andrew up early today, just 10 mins. or so, it was just one of those days that everything went smooth. Later Jade and I went to walmart...I had to have MUCINEX D and I signed my life away for it! While Jade shopped, and picked out several things she wanted, she carried around a nail set for ever, when she decided (on her on) to buy me the cutest blanket and a back massager...that I can use at home or in the car...she said "you can even use it in the pick up line mom" she put back the nail set and bought me this...how sweet is she! She also bought herself an electric shaver...YES she shaved her legs for the first time today(and mine)she has wanted to for months. All her Friends do, you know the drill. I have avoided it and she has been OK with it. BUT i figured just let her do it, and she'll see it is no big deal!Once again... she shared it with me, she said "come in here with me I'm alittle scared" And she shaved "OUR" legs! I'll miss her when she grows up! But it's nice to know I still make her feel safe! I love you Athalia Jade ;)

Granny...

on saturday we lost our rock! the one lady that was always strong and steady! her battle with that terrible desease (CANCER) was over. although her battle was short in comparison to some, in ways it felt like so long! it still doesn't feel real to think just a few short months ago she was fine, or seemed to be. you can look back now and there were sign's that she didn't feel well, i saw a picture today with her and finley and you could tell in her eye's that she was not well. i had asked her one
night "are you afraid" she said "no". i don't think she was...maybe she was for us,if we would be ok.she is one of the strongest ladies i know!since pop was sick she alway's said she wasn't going to be a hardship for any of us, when she got sick i knew that it would not be a long drawn out battle she didn't want that for herself but most of all she wouldn't want to put us through that! she loved us "ALL" she loved family! her son's were her life! they loved their mom too!i pray that my son's love me like that! the holiday's are going to be hard this year! i just pray that we can rejoice in her life! and the legacy she left...granny we love you and will miss you so much! tell pop "we love him"...........

Dad know's best!!

you know when we are growing up, we normally think our parents just don't get it, right? i mean they are soooooo old, what could they possibly know. they just don't understand. well, guess what turns out that my dad really knew just what he was talking about!he said "that guy is no good!" , "he is bad news"..."you're making a big mistake",. BUT...........i was in love(LOL) i really thought i was. so 3 years, and a child later, turns out dad was right all alone! and getting him out of my life was hard!!!if i had only listened. but out of that BIG MISTAKE, God gave me a gift..a wonderful son, and what a joy he was! his long curly blond hair, big blue eyes, and personality that would melt any heart! you know he's been hard , a challenge, but i wouldn't take anything in the world for him! i never knew how much genetics really plays apart in life's! trust me it does!if prayer alone could change his situation, he would be a saint! or is it that we don't really have faith that God can change his situation?i wish i could just hold him and make all the pain and suffering go away.i pray he know's how much i love him, that i would do anything for him! i (we) have prayed for so long...what are we not learning, what lesson is it that we are just not getting? it was my mistake not his, why does he have to suffer, or pay for it? if i could take it back i would, just so he could finally have peace. i know he makes the bad decision's...but why? God he knows you....he is your child, we gave him to you along time ago. i still remember him going to an alter call at about 9? God i pray for a miracle in his life!!! God please touch him in a way that he has never known!thank you God! OUR FATHER KNOW"S BEST!

too many things on the brain..

you didn't even know i had one did you?? alittle secret i keep, a brain that is!LOL
so... do i post about what a wonderful vacation we had? or how i dreaded coming home to face all the drama, brought on by certain family members? or how great real friends are! you know who you are( and i love you dearly).or maybe how crazy it is that people you don't know very well..or at all really, feel compelled to message you on facebook very private details of there marriage.(maybe God wanted me to pray about it) or how mom's from the past life of your kids friends show up with words of wisdom for your son!( and why does that bother us) or maybe how worried i am about my husbands doctor visit? and how much i love him, and my kids! or how much i worry about our future! and jade's future...or how proud i am that my daughter has a wonderful man that loves her and their children.and how lucky they are! or maybe how wonderful all my grand kids are...yes i am a NANA!!! or how i wish i was independently wealthy so i could spend all my time with them! how happy i am that my baby boy has found the love of his life, and is doing well! or that i wish my oldest son had the confidence in himself that we do!! tough love is HARD!!! and i don't wish it on anyone.or is it us that needs to learn something in that situation! GOD PLEASE LET ME LEARN IT TODAY...Amen!just a little prayer there!or maybe how all the mistakes we make can be the hardest thing's to live with, or that you should listen to your dad when they say,he's no good...you're screwing up! or maybe i should write about how you need to pick your spouse wisely. or maybe about how i can tell you that i know GOD is going to take care of our family... HE always has! THANK YOU GOD!
or how much i love jade...and worry about flashes from the past, that aren't thinking of her that might tear her world apart!or the stress i see on bruce's face, and how i wish i could take it away!
the bottom line is this is just getting a portion of what is on my mind...how 's your day?

Bible School

Jade has been going to bible school this week. Sunday night was day 1, when we picked her up the first thing out of her mouth was "now that is BIBLE SCHOOL". She went on to tell us that "they know how to teach you about Jesus"! She loves it! I have to admit that I was a little worried ...Jade can have a lot of energy. However they are using alot of energy! Everyday when I have picked her up her teacher has made a point to seek me out to tell me what a wonderful little girl Jade is. She said that she is so loving and caring, very attentive to the kid's who don't seem to make friends easily, that she jumps right in to make them feel like they fit in. She has lead the prayer several times and does a good job. I am always glad to hear that she is doing well, that maybe something we try to teach her is sticking....but most of all that she has Jesus in her heart! A while back my mom was in the nursing home, Jade loved to go! Most kids, adults for that matter really don't like that place. Jade was so good with the older folks there. She loved helping them play bingo or puzzles. Or just sitting and talking to them! She would take them snacks and they looked forward to seeing her.There is a little boy in her class at school that has downs syndrome, she has been his helper for the past 2 years, he just loves Jade. His mother has requested that Jade be his helper.She does so good with him. She loves helping at the soup kitchen...Bruce said maybe this is the direction we need to steer her in, she seems to do well helping others.I am sure I will continue to worry about her, anyone that knows me knows that thats just what I do....but I know God has a plan for Jade! (and that I am so proud of her)!

children

Last night we saw the kids...Cassie and Kyle came up with all of their beautiful children! They have got to be the best looking kids I have ever seen!!! I mean besides my own. I have to admit"we have some pretty kids" They were on vacation last week.I sure did miss them,we don't see them everyday or even every week, but I talk to them everyday. Harper seemed like she had grown a foot, she is getting so tall! Calvary is a looker he's going to break some hearts...hope not! Oliver Jack is just so sweet and funny, he just wins your heart right away, and then there is Finley Rose...she is just plain beautiful, it's always fun for them to come up. OK sometimes it can get alittle loud, alittle bit of sensory overload.But we love it! That's just kids. Jade always gets over stimulated!(LOL!!!) She just loves to be little momma and to be in charge. She loves to play with them and always looks forward to them coming up, however she is 4 to 9 years older than them. And somebody always gets up upset...doesn't last long, she means well she really does! Anyway I guess what I'm saying is "kids will be kids"
That sibling rivalry is both normal and inevitable, Instead of reacting to the fighting by intervening, I believe parents should teach their children to settle things for themselves.Stepping in may actually reinforce fighting.Kids will normally learn what they can do to get mom involved...I believe like most things it takes 2...and (MOST) times it's not just 1 that is to blame...like I said kids will be kids and alot of time they are not "angels" but little demons...always our little angels!And we love them unconditionally!!!

VACATION..........

So do you ever just feel like you REALLY NEED a vacation? We have been in the habit of taking family vacations. WHOLE family vacations. And why it is nice to spent time with everyone, it is also hard! Blending several families together for a week in the same house can be trying at times. Don't get me wrong I love all my kids and grand kids...but anytime you put 2 or more mom's and a house full of kids together, somebody is bound to end up with hurt feelings or just MAD!!! And then bless their hearts you throw the ones that don't have kids in the mix and they are just oblivious to anything being wrong, kinda like the dad's,(you mom's know what I mean). I look forward to vacationing again with "THE FAMILY" but this year it would be nice to just go the 3 of us. We used to go every year to the outer banks just Bruce, me and Jade, a house, a hot tub and the ocean, it was great. Jade had a friend that her family had a house (OCEAN FRONT) and every year they looked froward to playing together! It was so much fun. Of course that was before Jade became so grown.(NOT) Anyway I look forward to that again. Just to be still together. Some times I think you just need some still time with just your family. We are praying for a week at the beach....do you hear me GOD?????

ADHD

we have been dealing with ADHD for 28 years...or what was thought to be that. i guess we didn't get it right the first time round, so we get to try again. guess what it's not looking real good this time either! We aren't completly sure this is what it is this time. It ended up being Bipolar Disorder the first time around! I am sure that isn't the case this time though! Maybe it's just a case of ASS!
ADHD not only alters your child’s self control and behavior, but also it invades your home and attacks your family. It can seriously deplete your limited time and energy.Everyone has an opinion why you can’t control your child. And you are embarrassed. You are embarrassed in front of your neighbors and your embarrassed in front of your friend's and you are embarrassed in front of your relatives.You feel guilty and helpless, you try to help, but nothing helps. Then on those really bad days when everything is going wrong … you know, when you have been run ragged and you’re worn out and maybe you yell at the kids too much.After a horrendous day and they are lying in bed the little voice comes out again and whispers to you."It’s all your fault. You’re a bad mother." we should know that it’s not our fault. ADHD is not your fault and it’s not your child’s fault. and you don't need to feel guilty....but that is also easier said than done!Something i have yet to learn! We have prayed for 30 years faithfuly and it just gets worse, please don't think I'm saying I don't think God can change a person or situation, or even heal...I KNOW HE CAN!!! I'm just saying in this situation for whatever reason he HASN'T!!! Maybe it's not the child that needs to change, maybe it is us. Maybe we just haven't learned how to deal with the problem.
I guess there is always the chance it's not ADHD at all. Maybe i am just a bad mother! Maybe if you are a easy child I can do a great job mothering, maybe when you are strong willed, I just can't do it! She told me yesterday that "you just don't seem like you love me anymore" it broke my heart. Sometimes I don't like her...is that wrong? She makes me sooooooooooooo mad! But I alway's love her...ALWAYS!!! I never want her to feel unloved.
So what to do??????? How do you deal?

i should write a book....except i can't write!

dysfunctional: what is the definition anyway?? and i am sure we fall into the category. there is so much drama in my life, yesterday i went to drop off jade with bruce at his work, so i could go pick up aidan from my mom's house, where his dad (my son) lives,with his girlfriend...so i could take aidan to the hospital to meet his new baby sister, who he said he was going to hold her hand when we get there tohelp her walk.i explained that he would have to wait for that, since she is to little to walk right now.and we went into his 50 why questions.by the way she is beautiful! aidan's mom, is still legally married to my son, just had a baby by another guy, who she is living with...but will not put up with michael having HER SON around his girlfriend because it's not the same as her situation?????? how's that? but did you hear me, i took aidan to see his mom, my ex-daughter in law...well i guess she is really still my daughter in law.LOL.
i don't even know who's related to me and who isn't.
she asked me if i would keep aidan when she went in to have her baby, she feels like he's happy here, that makes me feel good, i guess. aidan is sweet as can be. i am sure he is bipolar...HE IS WIRED!!!! but he knows just the right things to say (just like his parents) he informed me that he "misses me all the time!" and he "loves me the most,and so much" he told bruce tonight that he was glad bruce went to work to make money to buy him more cars! the boy loves him some hotwheels! anyway i have rambled on, and on enough i am probably bipolar myself...

cleavage

i cut a pair of spandexy kinda pants off, you know the comfy yoga kind. well jade likes to wear the cut off leg as a shirt. i'm sure she things it makes her look grown...you know she is 9 going on 25! anyway bruce was giving her a hard time today about it, i said she thought she looked sexy, she informed us that she can't look sexy, because she doesn't even have a crack!!!(CLEAVAGE)that was kinda funny!

who are we...

after having 4 kids all day. and all i heard was I'm hungry (thank you God that jade can fix her own)i finally sat down around 10, completely exhausted! at one point bruce said "hey I'm hungry,could you fix me a snack"?LOL!! all i could say was NO!! of course he didn't expect me to while lying in bed,thinking of there being a kid in every bedroom (1 in our bed)i couldn't help but think who am i???? in this hectic life we live do we lose ourselves, becoming what everyone else wants us to be?
I'm not quite sure that ieven know who i am anymore, other than bruces wife and jade's mom, other than a wife, mother,mom,mommy and nana...who am i????

laughing...

i don't think i have mentioned what a wonderful husband i have. he has the most patience(although it has gotten alittle shorter) and with this family he has had to have PATIENCE. he loves me with all his heart, and takes the role as our HEAD very serious.i came with a lot of baggage, and bruce took it all on. accepted as his, and never looked back or complained. yes we have joked about it often, and laughed! we have been through some very hard struggles, things that have broke a lot of couples,but because of our love and our trust in God(well maybe his trust).I am more the glass is half empty, and him half full.we have always balanced each other out! we have survived some pretty crazy stuff. life is hard enough, if you don't trust and love one another you will have a hard time making a marriage work.BUT if you don't laugh together...i just don't see how you keep it together! "I'll put a cone on your happy head"!!! he gets it! I Love You!

bringing up girls....

I have been reading bringing up girls. I have already brought up one girl, but she was EASY!!!! Maybe it was because she had 2 brothers, who knows. But she was a breeze! I think Jade is going to make up for her.I didn't know girls COULD start going through puberty...well " juvenile puberty" between 6 and 30 months...that's why you see some of those little boy and girls are humping their blankies or teddy bears!!!
But, then again around 7 or 8 they start again. James Dobson Say's it can make her in reality alittle "HELLISH" Welcome to my world...and to put the icing on the cake,
he also states that since girls are starting puberty earlier and because women are having children later.Mothers are going through the stress of menopause at the same time their daughters are entering the age of sexual awakening...and the 2 hormonal experiences at the same time can cause in his words a "train wreck"! Well guess what the train is about to explode!!!He also states that dad beware, and maybe you should get out of Dodge every now and then.
I just didn't have this problem with Cassie, we had our "MOMENTS" but my goodness not 24/7. Jade can be so sweet, she is loving, she loves babies and old people, she loves to help at the soup kitchen. But her and I just clash! She needs a mentor, I'm serious. She doesn't have anybody except Bruce and I. No grandparents(we are it) others kids go spend time with grandparents some, I'm going to get me some of them!!!
It would be nice to find someone to spend time with her, someone Godly. If not she is going to grow up thinking "go to your room" is just what you do! Any takers??

one day at a time..........

I just watched Joel Osteen... I never watch him, my mom loves him. Don't get me wrong I think he is really good, and everytime I have watched I come away refreshed!But today I learned something about myself...I live in the future, the what if's! I get up thinking I just can't do this another day, instead of beleiving God's Grace is enough!And He doesn't ask us to do it forever...just one more day. His Grace is enough for today! I do have faith, I will tell you without a doubt "you can do it", whatever it is. BUT when it comes to myself, not so much. I mean I do beleive, but I fight with myself. So I am going to try one day at a time...it's not just for AA !!!!

4 day's to go

The time is almost here. I can't sleep, I keep having these panic attacks...do you think it's because my baby boy is about to get married? It's all good !!!

test..............

OK, so i have been watching this tooth pick laying at the top of the steps, going upstairs. Here's the thing I am trying really hard not to pick it up....you
see I want to see how long it will lay there. I have been watching it for 2 weeks
now, and my guess is that if I don't pick it up NOBODY will. What do you think????
But I wonder how long I can stand it. Already today I have about picked it up each
time I go past it...IT IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!

kids.......................

I just realized that I have had kids more than half my life....that's a long time!!! I mean I am 51! I know you would never have guessed that, but it's true. OK we all have kids I know...and even though they are growing up, I keep having them replaced with younger kids, so I have had small children 1/2 of my life! I always have loved kids even as a child myself. God said "I would bless small children"...i guess there was something to that after all...NOT THAT I DIDN"T BELIEVE HIM!!! They do drive me crazy!but when you here "Mommy,I love you.............SO MUCH!! It's all worth it!

the party pooper of our kid's life

why is that i feel so guilty all the time??? i am always upset with jade, she is 9...
she is spoiled rotten, BUT it is not her fault...it is mine, and Bruce's, Cassie and Nicholas's, BUT it is me that i should be upset with. and i am, but it is her i take it out on. i just want to go up to her room right now and hold her and tell her how much i love her, and i probably will. and you know she will forgive me. Kids are like that, so forgiving...we should be more like them. but i don't want her to remember the times that i yelled and screamed at her, because i couldn't control her action's, i want her to remember HOW MUCH I LOVE HER!!!

I hope you have one just like you..................

so today Bruce took it upon himself to remind me to be careful what you wish for. you might just wind up with it yourself...i find myself comparing jade to michael. i don't want to, however there are some many things that are alike...eating habits,messes,schoolwork battles ( all of a sudden) and the need to always have the last word!i feel so bad all i do is fuss at her...yes she drives me crazy!!! she knows just what button's to push, and boy does she push! she is so smart and witty, she has the biggest heart, she can be so sweet but with a blink of an eye she is the wicked witch.sometimes i wonder how much of our problem is me???i know it's NOT all her, but i wonder how much is it my need to control. i know she isn't perfect...GOD knows i'm not....so why do i want her to be???? i think the biggest thing is i don't want her to go thru what michael went thru in school, i want her to have friends, and i want her family to love her and enjoy being around her. i pray everyday for my relationship with her...i love her so much. i do my best to show her everyday most of the time i feel i fall short. really most of my problem probably is from a feeling of guilt. i just want everyone to be happy, and most everyone is busy feeling
jealous, and there is no reason to. i love them all... i have enough to go round! i just wish they believed it!

I don't like this.............yet!

OK, so the day is here! Nicholas Taylor moved out. Yes I knew it was coming. After all he is getting married in 4 months, he's been moving his stuff out little by little for several weeks. So why do I cry every time someone says are you OK??????
NO...my baby boy is ....not a baby anymore! Last night it hit me all of a sudden, I was getting him a little first aid stuff together, and we have the boxes that we have always kept the kids medicine in,they each had their own. And I thought for one brief moment (BRIEF) I will just give him his box, right???? Will no way I can't give him his medicine, not THE BOX!!! That is so final. That's when it hit me...he's all grown up! He doesn't need me anymore, no more supplements on the counter, no more gym clothes on the floor to be washed, no more fussing over the computer time or back room time,no more wondering if we will be here to watch Davis while I pick up Jade,no more fish smell in the kitchen and alot less scheduling. And you know what I am going to miss him so much! This is what is suppose to happen right? Your son will leave his mother and father and the whole wife thing right....that's what the bible says. Well I am not ready to give him up...he will be missed so much!I just hope he calls, and I pray that he misses us as much as we will miss him!

the time has come

Okay....I knew it was coming. My baby boy is moving out. It's not like he hasn't gone before, he has.But this time is different....this time is for good! He's getting married, but not for 4 more months, so why can't he just wait till then?
It wouldn't matter

running out of time.........

Today as I sat in the carpool line....I have spent most of my life in a carpool line.
I read an article in Charlotte Woman. It stated that women are expected to live to be 80, and men 75!!!! That is just crazy! I am not ready to go anywhere! I have to admit that it SCARES me to thing of dying, or Bruce dying! He is my life, the love of my life, I don't want to live without him! I don't know how,and don't want to learn! He is my safe place, his love keeps me safe. Who would laugh at my crazy talk!
Who will call me doll? Who will love me....I will be all alone.

I Love You!

To my daughter Cassie

I read you blog tonight, your dad and I.As he read I cried over his shoulder. I am sorry that you felt ashamed...you had nothing to be ashamed of. But I understand.
I am sorry if I made you feel that way. I was NEVER embarrassed of you or Harper...I was hurt for you, I knew that this is not the way you in visioned motherhood starting for you. And I knew you had so many dreams...and I was disappointed for that reason...BUT again for you!
But as I sit here, I realize that your dreams have come true! You always wanted to be a mommy...always. And no matter how your journey started, it was God's plan and time. And it turned out perfect! 3 GREAT children, one on the way....and HARPER FAYE
our precious little princess....what a gift from God she is! And you are the most amazing mother I know!
But as I read I realized that you and I have something in common...that I never saw before...when it comes to Harper and Jade I think we both feel guilty...about situations surrounding them,and we both try so hard to make up for our guilt. And all they want is our love... that's all our children ever really want or need! Unconditional Love!


I Love You!
mommy