i you haven't noticed...

My blogs all seem to have a common trend. My kids and family... not that that is a bad thing. Family and kids are the 2 things that can bring you the most joy and the most pain. That in itself seems ironic to me. I try hard to be everything to everybody and I have finaly realized that you can't be. I love ALL my kids dearly, I try to be there for each of them . I wish things were different and Bruce and I were in a different place, where we had more time to spend just being grandparents, I think I mentioned in an earlier blog how I always had a vision of what being a parent would be like, I also had a vision of what the perfect grandparent looks like. Well I have failed that one too! I think if we were retired, had $$$ we would be the kind of grandparents that we long to be. If we didn't have a younger child ourselves,didn't both have jobs, and a mother to take care of along with everything that goes with that, we (I) would be the perfect grandmother! But since life got in the way it ruined that plan.Don't misunderstand me, I wouldn't change having Jade at all, she has and is such a blessing and brings such joy to our lives, couldn't imagine not having her! But I have realized no matter how much I try, and how much I am there for them....well lets just say if I were in jail nobody would send me money,write,visit or accept calls....just an example! That was alittle random! I just struggle with not being able to be there in the way I would like to be, even though I am where I need to be! Does that make sense????

random

Well, as you can see I am not real good at keeping up with this. My last post I was concerned about a mammagram. It went great! Thanks for all the prayers of my family and friends. I didn't know how worried Bruce was, he shared later that he was actually wringing his hands together nervously while waiting for me, he had said that he was worried "what if there wasn't a us anymore" I had worried about that as well! Thank you God for answered prayers!I will be around to worry him for many more years... We had Harper this week end it was so much fun, the girls love each other so much, and they play together really good.Of course girls will be girls , and they normally want their on way, so it can be a battle of wills.It is such a joy to watch them just be silly little girls. We are so blessed to have so many beautiful children and grandchildren. I love them all so much.

prepective

I got a call yesterday, that I needed to return for a retake on a mammagram. The doctor wants to do another mammagram and a ultrasound. So NATURALLY...I am nervous. Any one that knows me, also knows what my first thought was....I have breast cancer.
So yesterday and last night I spent sad....not just for me but for Bruce and Jade. What if something happened to me. Who would Bruce laugh at or with? Who's face would he kiss? and Jade......who would be her go to girl(as she called me) who would she ask her girl guestions? who would listen to her and understand her...like only mom can? who's feet would she rub? And if I had one thing to tell them both it would be that Nobody will ever love them as much as I do!!!!

I was reading my daughters blog, I love to read what she writes. She alway's puts things perfectly. What I have decided is that I long to be the mother that she is...I know that none of us are perfect, BUT....I have to admitt that she comes pretty close! She is the kind of mother that I dreamed of being. I hope I was some of her! I was talking to someone yesterday, she was concerned about something that had been said about her parenting, and asked for my advice, what I told her was that all any of can do is the best we can,there is always going to be someone that doesn't agree with us, that thinks they could do it better, that we don't do it right,or don't do enough or do to much! As long as we do the best we can for the percious children that God has entrusted us with, love them with the same unconditional love that He loves us with it will all be good!Don't beat yourself up over how much you DIDN'T play with them...or how messy your house is, you know at the end of the day MOST of it they're not going to remember anyway....sorry, but it's true!

change...

Today has been a good day,it has really been a good couple of weeks. Despite all the crazy stuff going on(family,job,money,)in spite of everything there is a sense of peace. I do have to admit that I feel a little crazy, I mean me...PEACE! Those of you that know me, understand what I mean!
I picked Jade and Andrew up early today, just 10 mins. or so, it was just one of those days that everything went smooth. Later Jade and I went to walmart...I had to have MUCINEX D and I signed my life away for it! While Jade shopped, and picked out several things she wanted, she carried around a nail set for ever, when she decided (on her on) to buy me the cutest blanket and a back massager...that I can use at home or in the car...she said "you can even use it in the pick up line mom" she put back the nail set and bought me this...how sweet is she! She also bought herself an electric shaver...YES she shaved her legs for the first time today(and mine)she has wanted to for months. All her Friends do, you know the drill. I have avoided it and she has been OK with it. BUT i figured just let her do it, and she'll see it is no big deal!Once again... she shared it with me, she said "come in here with me I'm alittle scared" And she shaved "OUR" legs! I'll miss her when she grows up! But it's nice to know I still make her feel safe! I love you Athalia Jade ;)

Granny...

on saturday we lost our rock! the one lady that was always strong and steady! her battle with that terrible desease (CANCER) was over. although her battle was short in comparison to some, in ways it felt like so long! it still doesn't feel real to think just a few short months ago she was fine, or seemed to be. you can look back now and there were sign's that she didn't feel well, i saw a picture today with her and finley and you could tell in her eye's that she was not well. i had asked her one
night "are you afraid" she said "no". i don't think she was...maybe she was for us,if we would be ok.she is one of the strongest ladies i know!since pop was sick she alway's said she wasn't going to be a hardship for any of us, when she got sick i knew that it would not be a long drawn out battle she didn't want that for herself but most of all she wouldn't want to put us through that! she loved us "ALL" she loved family! her son's were her life! they loved their mom too!i pray that my son's love me like that! the holiday's are going to be hard this year! i just pray that we can rejoice in her life! and the legacy she left...granny we love you and will miss you so much! tell pop "we love him"...........

Dad know's best!!

you know when we are growing up, we normally think our parents just don't get it, right? i mean they are soooooo old, what could they possibly know. they just don't understand. well, guess what turns out that my dad really knew just what he was talking about!he said "that guy is no good!" , "he is bad news"..."you're making a big mistake",. BUT...........i was in love(LOL) i really thought i was. so 3 years, and a child later, turns out dad was right all alone! and getting him out of my life was hard!!!if i had only listened. but out of that BIG MISTAKE, God gave me a gift..a wonderful son, and what a joy he was! his long curly blond hair, big blue eyes, and personality that would melt any heart! you know he's been hard , a challenge, but i wouldn't take anything in the world for him! i never knew how much genetics really plays apart in life's! trust me it does!if prayer alone could change his situation, he would be a saint! or is it that we don't really have faith that God can change his situation?i wish i could just hold him and make all the pain and suffering go away.i pray he know's how much i love him, that i would do anything for him! i (we) have prayed for so long...what are we not learning, what lesson is it that we are just not getting? it was my mistake not his, why does he have to suffer, or pay for it? if i could take it back i would, just so he could finally have peace. i know he makes the bad decision's...but why? God he knows you....he is your child, we gave him to you along time ago. i still remember him going to an alter call at about 9? God i pray for a miracle in his life!!! God please touch him in a way that he has never known!thank you God! OUR FATHER KNOW"S BEST!